Friday, April 2, 2010

Re: Chester Arthur Sucks

If it wasn't clear: APRIL FOOLS!

But it was pretty clear.

I now intend to refute every point I made yesterday, and redefend Chester Arthur's honor.

"It all starts off with his time as the Collector of the Port of New York. He made a salary higher than that of the president, but you know that a good portion of it never stayed with him but went instead to the Republicans and the Conkling machine."

Well, that's all true. I'm not too proud of Collector Arthur. However, it is said that even during this time, the peak of his corruption, Arthur looked out for the people working under him in the Port of New York. So while he was as much a part of the political machinery as anyone, he was still a decent man.

"He was far more corrupt than Grant's administration had been. All he ever did was work more stubbornly than the Republicans of today to continue the spoils system and allow jobs to continue on patronage. When he was Garfield's VP, he constantly fought against the president's work. Arthur wasn't looking for the nation's interests, he was looking only for Roscoe Conkling's favor."

He was a pretty awful Vice President. He reminds me of John Calhoun almost, so in conflict with his President. I can't say he was looking only for Roscoe Conkling's favor, as Conkling never wanted him to take the job at all, but he was supremely Stalwart against the views of Half-Breed Garfield.

"Then think about the time he spent as president. He found out that he was dying of Bright's disease so he probably decided it was time for him to leave a better impression of himself for history. That's when he worked to end the spoils system. He knew it could never benefit him again. Dead men get no patronage. (Surely Arthur made some dead men vote for Stalwarts in his day, though.)"

Hey, who cares why he worked to end the spoils system? Honestly, I don't believe it's due to the Bright's disease. I think he realized, as he is oft (by standards of Gilded Age presidents) quoted that he was one man and the POTUS was another. He saw the greatness of the office and worked to live up to it.

"But he also allowed a bill that completely banned naturalization and immigration of Chinese people for 10 years, subject to extension? You can't tell me that's a good bill in any way. It's discrimination, mandated by the government. Reconstruction ended two presidents ago, with Hayes, the man who fired Arthur from the Port of New York due to corruption, and now Arthur works to help support a new racial divide forming? Just because the blacks have been freed doesn't mean the country needs a new set of hated people."

Arthur first vetoed the Chinese Exclusion Act. It called for a 20 year renewable banning of immigration and naturalization for the Chinese people. This veto brought the 20 years down to 10. I've never been able to figure out why Arthur signed this version. In my opinion, the best course of action would have been a second veto. Perhaps he knew the nation's hatred of the Chinese was great and that the veto would be overridden, but still let it become law without your signature, at least. But Arthur clearly wasn't the racist one here, due to the initial veto. He had worked for civil rights of blacks as a lawyer before the Civil War, he wasn't likely to turn around and discriminate against another race.

"When you really consider it, Chester A. Arthur was a horrible man, and by far one of the worst presidents of all time.

Hell, he probably wasn't even a real American. Probably born in freaking Canada."

There's so much greatness of Chester Arthur. His years as teacher, as brigadier (acting Quartermaster) general, his turnaround from corruption as president. As for him being one of the worst presidents of all time, some may argue that. I personally find him to be generally underrated and actually a really good president for the times he was in.



I must admit however, I'm not yet convinced that he was actually born in America.


Thursday, April 1, 2010

Chester Arthur Sucks

Okay, I admit it. Chester Arthur is, has been, and always will be just a joke. How could such a horrible president be my favorite?

It all starts off with his time as the Collector of the Port of New York. He made a salary higher than that of the president, but you know that a good portion of it never stayed with him but went instead to the Republicans and the Conkling machine.

He was far more corrupt than Grant's administration had been. All he ever did was work more stubbornly than the Republicans of today to continue the spoils system and allow jobs to continue on patronage. When he was Garfield's VP, he constantly fought against the president's work. Arthur wasn't looking for the nation's interests, he was looking only for Roscoe Conkling's favor.

Then think about the time he spent as president. He found out that he was dying of Bright's disease so he probably decided it was time for him to leave a better impression of himself for history. That's when he worked to end the spoils system. He knew it could never benefit him again. Dead men get no patronage. (Surely Arthur made some dead men vote for Stalwarts in his day, though.)

But he also allowed a bill that completely banned naturalization and immigration of Chinese people for 10 years, subject to extension? You can't tell me that's a good bill in any way. It's discrimination, mandated by the government. Reconstruction ended two presidents ago, with Hayes, the man who fired Arthur from the Port of New York due to corruption, and now Arthur works to help support a new racial divide forming? Just because the blacks have been freed doesn't mean the country needs a new set of hated people.

When you really consider it, Chester A. Arthur was a horrible man, and by far one of the worst presidents of all time.

Hell, he probably wasn't even a real American. Probably born in freaking Canada.



Saturday, March 27, 2010

Making a Pig Fly

There are two major methods of making a pig fly.

The first is messing with genetics. This is very complex.

You take a bunch of genes out of a pig and put them into a bacteria, and you get a nice strand of DNA with all the pig stuff you want in the bacteria. Then you extract it from the bacteria and put it into a standard housefly population. Allow reproduction.

Some individuals should retain the pig DNA. You now have pig flies.

The second method is much more fun.

Take two pieces of wood and fashion them into wings. Use a method of your choice to attach these wings to the pig's back.

Next, secure rockets. The bigger, the better. Point them away from the pig's head and attach as appropriate.

Give the pig a running start for best results, then have the rockets go off. Make sure there's some upward thrust, but then the wings should take care of the rest.

If all goes well, the pig should now be flying.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

PST2 Round 4 and 5 and Closing Cerimonies

ROUND 4
1 Abraham Lincoln (6'4'', 52) 22 Barack Obama (6'1'', 47)
Abraham Lincoln worked to free the blacks, and it comes back to bite him as Barack makes some buckets and defeats Lincoln. Lincoln continues to be racist.

4 Theodore Roosevelt (5'10'', 42) 13 Andrew Jackson (6'1'', 61)
What Roosevelt lacks in height, he makes up for in youth. He speaks softly, but carries big game over Jackson.

7 Thomas Jefferson (6'2.5'', 57) 11 Lyndon Johnson (6'3.5'', 55)
Landslide Lyndon squeaks by. I have no witty way to relate this to him stealing his Senate race without being blatant or completely unfunny.

ROUND 5
Each of the remaining three will play both of the other two.
22 Barack Obama (6'1'', 47) 4 Theodore Roosevelt (5'10'', 42)
Theodore Roosevelt is as strong as a Bull Moose, and he puts so much effort into the game that Obama loses, barely.

11 Lyndon Johnson (6'3.5'', 55) 22 Barack Obama (6'1'', 47)
Lyndon Johnson may have the height advantage, but Barack is just better at moving himself around the court. Barack wins easily.

4 Theodore Roosevelt (5'10'', 42) 11 Lyndon Johnson (6'3.5'', 55)
Again, Johnson finds he cannot keep up with his opponent and is soundly defeated by Theodore Roosevelt.


As TR is 2-0, Obama 1-1, and LBJ 0-2, Theodore Roosevelt is declared the official Presidential Super Tournament 2 victor, with Barack Obama as runner up.

Congrats, TR!

Monday, March 22, 2010

PST2 Round 3

I have received my first ultimatum for who "has to" win. Also, I gave the bye in this round to whoever was the sixth matchup because I didn't want to give it to Lincoln again.

1 Abraham Lincoln (6'4'', 52) 35 Herbert Hoover (5'11.5'', 54)
Lincoln absolutely dominates this game with his height. Hoover then finds himself in a state of great depression.

2 George Washington (6'2'', 57) 22 Barack Obama (6'1'', 47)
Obama outmaneuvers Washington or "jukes" him as those hoodlum children say in the ghetto.

4 Theodore Roosevelt (5'10'', 42) 15 Bill Clinton (6'2'', 46)
Bill Clinton has stronger defense and Theodore Roosevelt has stronger offense. In the end, TR pulls out a win as Bill becomes distracted by a pack of interns walking by.

7 Thomas Jefferson (6'2.5'', 57) 14 James Monroe (6', 58)
I declare these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, except when Thomas Jefferson is 2.5 inches taller and a year younger and can defeat James Monroe in basketball.

8 Dwight Eisenhower (5'10.5'', 62) 13 Andrew Jackson (6'1'', 61)
War of 1812 vs. WWII generals. Eisenhower's a bit more easygoing, and loses to the hardcore Jackson. Eisenhower prefers golf anyway.

11 Lyndon Johnson (6'3.5'', 55) BYE
Shame such height couldn't play this round.


Round 4 tomorrow.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

PST 2 Round 2

1 Abraham Lincoln (6'4'', 52) 42 Andrew Johnson (5'10'', 56)
Abraham Lincoln submits the final vote to impeach Johnson and remove him from this tournament, as he stuffs him shot after shot with his vast height advantage.

2 George Washington (6'2'', 57) 39 Warren Harding (6', 55)
The game is tight until technical fouls go against Harding due to the Ohio Gang's illicit activity on the sidelines. Washington pulls away and wins it.

4 Theodore Roosevelt (5'10'', 42) 36 John Tyler (6', 51)
John Tyler is largely ineffective, and Theodore Roosevelt takes over his territory, pulling away with an easy win.

5 Harry Truman (5'9'', 60) 35 Herbert Hoover (5'11.5'', 54)
Truman finds himself helpless in this game without any atomic bombs to drop.

7 Thomas Jefferson (6'2.5'', 57) 29 James Garfield (6', 49)
As Garfield walks through the entrance, Charles Guiteau pops out behind him and shoots him twice. Garfield is declared unable to play and Jefferson wins by default.

8 Dwight Eisenhower (5'10.5'', 62) 28 Richard Nixon (5'11.5'', 56)
Eisenhower leads 12-4 after 4 minutes, and Nixon resigns.

11 Lyndon Johnson (6'3.5'', 55) 27 Calvin Coolidge (5'10'', 51)
Lyndon Johnson dominates with his height advantage over Coolidge. Cal is left without a word to say.

12 James Polk (5'8'', 49) 22 Barack Obama (6'1'', 47)
The audience shouts "54-40 or fight!" for Polk. Why they wanted this exact score is unclear. However, their shout doesn't reflect Polk's views, who doesn't want a fight, and loses, 49-40.

13 Andrew Jackson (6'1'', 61) 21 Grover Cleveland (5'11'', 55)
Ol' Grover just doesn't have the military experience to keep up with Jackson's flanking and frontal assault and the pistol pointing didn't hurt Jackson's game either.

14 James Monroe (6', 58) 20 James Madison (5'4'', 57)
Madison was so small he couldn't get a single shot in over Monroe. He attempts to write an amendment to the Constitution making people over 5'11'' illegal, but the states don't approve it.

15 Bill Clinton (6'2'', 46) 19 John Quincy Adams (5'7.5'', 57)
Well, Bill Clinton is taller and younger. Also, he's said to be the "First Black President" so he must be good at basketball.

And he drinks some Kool-Aid in the breaks too.




Round 3 tomorrow.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

PST2 Round 1

NOTE: I realized President Obama is not included in the C-SPAN Survey, so I seeded him 22, in the middle of the pack, and shifted everyone else down. Why 22, you ask? Because I darn well said so. Also because I didn't want to put him last and have butthurt people/people going DAMN STRAIGHT.

1 Abraham Lincoln (6'4'', 52) BYE

2 George Washington (6'2'', 57) 43 James Buchanan (6', 65)
Let's be honest with ourselves here. George Washington is younger, a bit taller, and likely more active. Buchanan doesn't stand a chance against him in basketball, and goes home to cry to his shrine to William Rufus King.

3 Franklin Roosevelt (6'2'', 51) 42 Andrew Johnson (5'10'', 56)
Franklin Roosevelt's in a wheelchair. Haha, easy win for you, eh Johnson?

4 Theodore Roosevelt (5'10, 42) 41 Franklin Pierce (5'10, 48)
Same height, close enough in age. It comes down to who's more of a man. Who can push harder? We all know ol' TR has pushed through harder things than Franklin Pierce. Hell, he'd beat him in basketball while being shot at and charging up a hill.

5 Harry Truman (5'9'', 60) 40 William Harrison (5'8, 68)
Painful game to watch. Truman wins 2-0.

6 John Kennedy (6', 43) 39 Warren Harding (6', 55)
Kennedy doesn't have a leg to stand on in this matchup. BADUM TISH!

7 Thomas Jefferson (6'2.5'', 57) 38 Millard Fillmore (5'9'', 50)
Taller Jefferson blocks Fillmore's attempts at compromise and dominates the game.

8 Dwight Eisenhower (5'10.5'', 62) 37 George W. Bush (5'11.5'', 54)
Very interesting game of basketball. Height difference is negligible, age difference can be discounted because you expect former General Eisenhower to be pretty fit. In the end, I like Ike in this matchup.

9 Woodrow Wilson (5'11, 56) 36 John Tyler (6', 51)
Woodrow Wilson tries to win, but Congress declares Tyler winner in name and fact.

10 Ronald Reagan (6'1, 69) 35 Herbert Hoover (5'11.5'', 54)
Reagan may have the height advantage, but Hoover can't remember the day of the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Reagan soon forgets that he ever played this game.

11 Lyndon Johnson (6'3.5'', 55) 34 Rutherford Hayes (5'8.5'', 54)
Lyndon Johnson's just too tall to be outscored by Hayes. Hayes is proud of himself at first, but then finds out when you have less points, Congress doesn't create a Basketball Commission to determine that you're the winner.

12 James Polk (5'8, 49) 33 Chester Arthur (6'2'', 51)
Arthur's height can't overcome his weight and Polk outmaneuvers him to make buckets. Arthur then takes a nap after his defeat.

13 Andrew Jackson (6'1'', 61) 32 Martin Van Buren (5'6'', 54)
Andrew Jackson is taller AND more badass. Wins and proceeds to beat Van Buren with his cane.

14 James Monroe (6', 58) 31 Benjamin Harrison (5'6'', 55)
Monroe declares that no Gilded Age powers can colonize on his court and easily defeats Harrison.

15 Bill Clinton (6'2'', 46) 30 Zachary Taylor (5'8'', 64)
Clinton's youth and height make this game easy for him. Taylor storms off the court and has cold milk and cherries to cheer up.

16 William McKinley (5'7'', 54) 29 James Garfield (6', 49)
McKinley is assassinated by James Garfield. Charles Guiteau is in the audience with his Bulldog with the ivory handle, but decides not to shoot as it would be too traumatic at this point.

17 John Adams (5'7'', 61) 28 Richard Nixon (5'11.5'', 56)
Nixon scrapes out a win. His staff then proceeds to break into Adams' home.

18 George H.W. Bush (6'2'', 64) 27 Calvin Coolidge (5'10, 51)
Coolidge is a little younger and a little more mobile, scraping out a win over the PST1 winner. He has no comment on his victory.

19 John Quincy Adams (5'7.5'', 57) 26 Jimmy Carter (5'9.5'', 52)
John Quincy Adams wins by throwing a swamp rabbit at Carter.

20 James Madison (5'4'', 57) 25 William Taft (5'11.5'', 51)
Taft's big, but can't move. "Shorty" Madison has trouble getting the ball into the basket. Eventually he gets a few in and proves that the bigger they are, the harder they fall when you trip them, all in one fell swoop.

21 Grover Cleveland (5'11'', 55) 24 Ulysses Grant (5'8, 46)
Grant's more mobile, but he's also more drunk. Cleveland wins.

22 Barack Obama (6'1, 47) 23 Gerald Ford (6', 61)
Obama wins. I'm trying so hard not to say it's because he's black though.






Round 2 tomorrow.