Song Review: "The Presidents" by Jonathan Coulton

Link to the Song

Lyrics:

Washington came first and he was perfect.
John Adams kept us out of war with France.
Jefferson made Louisiana Purchase.
In 1812 James Madison kicked the British in the pants.

James Monroe told Europe they could suck it.
John Quincy Adams looked just like his dad.
Andrew Jackson got rid of all the Indians.
Van Buren served one term, but he wasn't bad.

William Henry Harrison died early.
John Tyler annexed Texas from Mexico.
James K. Polk fought Mexico to keep it.
Taylor was a Mexican War hero.

Fillmore gave a boat to Commodore Perry.
Pierce repealed the Missouri Compromise.
Buchanan saw the Civil War's beginnings.
Lincoln saved the Union, then he died.

Andrew Johnson just survived impeachment.
General Grant enjoyed a drink or two.
Rutherford B. Hayes ended Reconstruction.
Garfield was assassinated in 1882.

Arthur suspended Chinese immigration.
Cleveland made the railroad people squirm.
Harrison signed the Sherman Anti-Trust Act.
Grover Cleveland served another term.

McKinley kicked the Spanish out of Cuba.
Roosevelt was handy with a gun.
Taft was big and fat and had a mustache.
Wilson kicked some ass in World War I.

Harding said "Let's Laissez Faire with business."
Coolidge made the roaring 20s roar.
Hoover screwed the pooch in the Great Depression.
Roosevelt beat the Nazis in the war.

Truman dropped the bomb on Hiroshima.
Eisenhower kept the Commies well in hand.
Kennedy was killed by a magic bullet.
Johnson murdered kids in Vietnam.

Nixon was a sweating, filthy liar.
Ford gave Nixon pardon for his crimes.
Carter lusted in his heart for peanuts.
Reagan won the Cold War, and lost his mind.

George Bush Sr. poked at Saddam Hussein.
Clinton gave an intern a cigar.
W's legacy's a work in progress.
That is all the Presidents so far.

In the year 2005 we're out of money.
Somewhere, surely, freedom's on the march.
I don't like to make political statements.


This song, first and foremost, is appealing to the ear. It's important for a song to sound good.

Lyrically some of the things Coulton says about the presidents are worthless, incorrect, or I just don't like them.

Most egregiously, he says James Garfield was assassinated in 1882. He was assassinated in 1881. How this error made it into the song just baffles me. You have to do the research.

Surely there's something better to say about John Quincy Adams than him looking like his dad. Plus I don't think they even look remotely similar. I mean, JQA is an ugly man, but his father looks pretty alright for the times.

Arthur did suspend Chinese immigration, but the bill had come up at least once prior to his presidency only to be vetoed. He also vetoed it himself once, signing it only after the term of no Chinese immigrants was halved.

Maybe I just wasn't alive during Carter's administration and am missing the joke, but "Carter lusted in his heart for peanuts?" On one hand, it captures the way no one took him seriously, but on the other why not come up with some fact about him?

The song isn't all bad though, the line about James Madison kicking the British in the pants, while leaving out that America was also kicked in the pants, is probably the best line in the song. "Reagan won the Cold War and lost his mind" is a close runner-up.

Overall, this is a pretty good song, and would be a great way to just get a quick tidbit about all the presidents into a young audience.

Chester Arthur is special

...and not just for his facial hair. He's the only president to have no animals while in the White House.

There were some interesting animals over the years. Jefferson had bear cubs. John Quincy Adams had alligators. Badass Andrew Jackson had fighting cocks.

I can understand the idea of having a dog, like Bo Obama, or a cat. But Teddy Roosevelt had at least 25 animals. Is it really necessary to have a one legged rooster, TR? Really?

I was amazed by the media surrounding the First Family of Obama as they were picking out a dog. War in Iraq? I haven't heard about it. But did you hear that Obama got a Portugese Water Dog? I know, I expected a Chesapeake Bay Retriever in honor of TR's "Sailor Boy."

Presidents have the right to have a nice family pet. But the media needs to learn the world doesn't depend on it. And the First Families need to keep it under control. The president doesn't need to become like the crazy cat lady, except instead of cats they have alligators, badgers, cows, duikers, and all this other crazy stuff.