PST2 Round 4 and 5 and Closing Cerimonies

ROUND 4
1 Abraham Lincoln (6'4'', 52) 22 Barack Obama (6'1'', 47)
Abraham Lincoln worked to free the blacks, and it comes back to bite him as Barack makes some buckets and defeats Lincoln. Lincoln continues to be racist.

4 Theodore Roosevelt (5'10'', 42) 13 Andrew Jackson (6'1'', 61)
What Roosevelt lacks in height, he makes up for in youth. He speaks softly, but carries big game over Jackson.

7 Thomas Jefferson (6'2.5'', 57) 11 Lyndon Johnson (6'3.5'', 55)
Landslide Lyndon squeaks by. I have no witty way to relate this to him stealing his Senate race without being blatant or completely unfunny.

ROUND 5
Each of the remaining three will play both of the other two.
22 Barack Obama (6'1'', 47) 4 Theodore Roosevelt (5'10'', 42)
Theodore Roosevelt is as strong as a Bull Moose, and he puts so much effort into the game that Obama loses, barely.

11 Lyndon Johnson (6'3.5'', 55) 22 Barack Obama (6'1'', 47)
Lyndon Johnson may have the height advantage, but Barack is just better at moving himself around the court. Barack wins easily.

4 Theodore Roosevelt (5'10'', 42) 11 Lyndon Johnson (6'3.5'', 55)
Again, Johnson finds he cannot keep up with his opponent and is soundly defeated by Theodore Roosevelt.


As TR is 2-0, Obama 1-1, and LBJ 0-2, Theodore Roosevelt is declared the official Presidential Super Tournament 2 victor, with Barack Obama as runner up.

Congrats, TR!

PST2 Round 3

I have received my first ultimatum for who "has to" win. Also, I gave the bye in this round to whoever was the sixth matchup because I didn't want to give it to Lincoln again.

1 Abraham Lincoln (6'4'', 52) 35 Herbert Hoover (5'11.5'', 54)
Lincoln absolutely dominates this game with his height. Hoover then finds himself in a state of great depression.

2 George Washington (6'2'', 57) 22 Barack Obama (6'1'', 47)
Obama outmaneuvers Washington or "jukes" him as those hoodlum children say in the ghetto.

4 Theodore Roosevelt (5'10'', 42) 15 Bill Clinton (6'2'', 46)
Bill Clinton has stronger defense and Theodore Roosevelt has stronger offense. In the end, TR pulls out a win as Bill becomes distracted by a pack of interns walking by.

7 Thomas Jefferson (6'2.5'', 57) 14 James Monroe (6', 58)
I declare these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, except when Thomas Jefferson is 2.5 inches taller and a year younger and can defeat James Monroe in basketball.

8 Dwight Eisenhower (5'10.5'', 62) 13 Andrew Jackson (6'1'', 61)
War of 1812 vs. WWII generals. Eisenhower's a bit more easygoing, and loses to the hardcore Jackson. Eisenhower prefers golf anyway.

11 Lyndon Johnson (6'3.5'', 55) BYE
Shame such height couldn't play this round.


Round 4 tomorrow.

PST 2 Round 2

1 Abraham Lincoln (6'4'', 52) 42 Andrew Johnson (5'10'', 56)
Abraham Lincoln submits the final vote to impeach Johnson and remove him from this tournament, as he stuffs him shot after shot with his vast height advantage.

2 George Washington (6'2'', 57) 39 Warren Harding (6', 55)
The game is tight until technical fouls go against Harding due to the Ohio Gang's illicit activity on the sidelines. Washington pulls away and wins it.

4 Theodore Roosevelt (5'10'', 42) 36 John Tyler (6', 51)
John Tyler is largely ineffective, and Theodore Roosevelt takes over his territory, pulling away with an easy win.

5 Harry Truman (5'9'', 60) 35 Herbert Hoover (5'11.5'', 54)
Truman finds himself helpless in this game without any atomic bombs to drop.

7 Thomas Jefferson (6'2.5'', 57) 29 James Garfield (6', 49)
As Garfield walks through the entrance, Charles Guiteau pops out behind him and shoots him twice. Garfield is declared unable to play and Jefferson wins by default.

8 Dwight Eisenhower (5'10.5'', 62) 28 Richard Nixon (5'11.5'', 56)
Eisenhower leads 12-4 after 4 minutes, and Nixon resigns.

11 Lyndon Johnson (6'3.5'', 55) 27 Calvin Coolidge (5'10'', 51)
Lyndon Johnson dominates with his height advantage over Coolidge. Cal is left without a word to say.

12 James Polk (5'8'', 49) 22 Barack Obama (6'1'', 47)
The audience shouts "54-40 or fight!" for Polk. Why they wanted this exact score is unclear. However, their shout doesn't reflect Polk's views, who doesn't want a fight, and loses, 49-40.

13 Andrew Jackson (6'1'', 61) 21 Grover Cleveland (5'11'', 55)
Ol' Grover just doesn't have the military experience to keep up with Jackson's flanking and frontal assault and the pistol pointing didn't hurt Jackson's game either.

14 James Monroe (6', 58) 20 James Madison (5'4'', 57)
Madison was so small he couldn't get a single shot in over Monroe. He attempts to write an amendment to the Constitution making people over 5'11'' illegal, but the states don't approve it.

15 Bill Clinton (6'2'', 46) 19 John Quincy Adams (5'7.5'', 57)
Well, Bill Clinton is taller and younger. Also, he's said to be the "First Black President" so he must be good at basketball.

And he drinks some Kool-Aid in the breaks too.




Round 3 tomorrow.

PST2 Round 1

NOTE: I realized President Obama is not included in the C-SPAN Survey, so I seeded him 22, in the middle of the pack, and shifted everyone else down. Why 22, you ask? Because I darn well said so. Also because I didn't want to put him last and have butthurt people/people going DAMN STRAIGHT.

1 Abraham Lincoln (6'4'', 52) BYE

2 George Washington (6'2'', 57) 43 James Buchanan (6', 65)
Let's be honest with ourselves here. George Washington is younger, a bit taller, and likely more active. Buchanan doesn't stand a chance against him in basketball, and goes home to cry to his shrine to William Rufus King.

3 Franklin Roosevelt (6'2'', 51) 42 Andrew Johnson (5'10'', 56)
Franklin Roosevelt's in a wheelchair. Haha, easy win for you, eh Johnson?

4 Theodore Roosevelt (5'10, 42) 41 Franklin Pierce (5'10, 48)
Same height, close enough in age. It comes down to who's more of a man. Who can push harder? We all know ol' TR has pushed through harder things than Franklin Pierce. Hell, he'd beat him in basketball while being shot at and charging up a hill.

5 Harry Truman (5'9'', 60) 40 William Harrison (5'8, 68)
Painful game to watch. Truman wins 2-0.

6 John Kennedy (6', 43) 39 Warren Harding (6', 55)
Kennedy doesn't have a leg to stand on in this matchup. BADUM TISH!

7 Thomas Jefferson (6'2.5'', 57) 38 Millard Fillmore (5'9'', 50)
Taller Jefferson blocks Fillmore's attempts at compromise and dominates the game.

8 Dwight Eisenhower (5'10.5'', 62) 37 George W. Bush (5'11.5'', 54)
Very interesting game of basketball. Height difference is negligible, age difference can be discounted because you expect former General Eisenhower to be pretty fit. In the end, I like Ike in this matchup.

9 Woodrow Wilson (5'11, 56) 36 John Tyler (6', 51)
Woodrow Wilson tries to win, but Congress declares Tyler winner in name and fact.

10 Ronald Reagan (6'1, 69) 35 Herbert Hoover (5'11.5'', 54)
Reagan may have the height advantage, but Hoover can't remember the day of the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Reagan soon forgets that he ever played this game.

11 Lyndon Johnson (6'3.5'', 55) 34 Rutherford Hayes (5'8.5'', 54)
Lyndon Johnson's just too tall to be outscored by Hayes. Hayes is proud of himself at first, but then finds out when you have less points, Congress doesn't create a Basketball Commission to determine that you're the winner.

12 James Polk (5'8, 49) 33 Chester Arthur (6'2'', 51)
Arthur's height can't overcome his weight and Polk outmaneuvers him to make buckets. Arthur then takes a nap after his defeat.

13 Andrew Jackson (6'1'', 61) 32 Martin Van Buren (5'6'', 54)
Andrew Jackson is taller AND more badass. Wins and proceeds to beat Van Buren with his cane.

14 James Monroe (6', 58) 31 Benjamin Harrison (5'6'', 55)
Monroe declares that no Gilded Age powers can colonize on his court and easily defeats Harrison.

15 Bill Clinton (6'2'', 46) 30 Zachary Taylor (5'8'', 64)
Clinton's youth and height make this game easy for him. Taylor storms off the court and has cold milk and cherries to cheer up.

16 William McKinley (5'7'', 54) 29 James Garfield (6', 49)
McKinley is assassinated by James Garfield. Charles Guiteau is in the audience with his Bulldog with the ivory handle, but decides not to shoot as it would be too traumatic at this point.

17 John Adams (5'7'', 61) 28 Richard Nixon (5'11.5'', 56)
Nixon scrapes out a win. His staff then proceeds to break into Adams' home.

18 George H.W. Bush (6'2'', 64) 27 Calvin Coolidge (5'10, 51)
Coolidge is a little younger and a little more mobile, scraping out a win over the PST1 winner. He has no comment on his victory.

19 John Quincy Adams (5'7.5'', 57) 26 Jimmy Carter (5'9.5'', 52)
John Quincy Adams wins by throwing a swamp rabbit at Carter.

20 James Madison (5'4'', 57) 25 William Taft (5'11.5'', 51)
Taft's big, but can't move. "Shorty" Madison has trouble getting the ball into the basket. Eventually he gets a few in and proves that the bigger they are, the harder they fall when you trip them, all in one fell swoop.

21 Grover Cleveland (5'11'', 55) 24 Ulysses Grant (5'8, 46)
Grant's more mobile, but he's also more drunk. Cleveland wins.

22 Barack Obama (6'1, 47) 23 Gerald Ford (6', 61)
Obama wins. I'm trying so hard not to say it's because he's black though.






Round 2 tomorrow.

PST2 Matchups

Well, I'll be completely honest with you.

I couldn't figure out how to do a 43-man bracket.

Laugh all you want. Yes, yes.

However, I still have a fair way to make matches for this. The seeding will still be determined by C-SPAN's 2009 Presidential Rankings. The highest seeds will always play the lowest seeds.

Let the one-on-one basketball begin tomorrow.

Abraham Lincoln gets a first-round bye, for being top seed.

March Madness: PST2

At one point or another, we've all found ourselves pondering the United States Presidents and thinking "Who would win in a one-on-one basketball tournament?"

Well, boy, do I have some good news for you.

I'm going to answer that question for you over the next weeks in...

PRESIDENTIAL SUPER TOURNAMENT 2:
One-on-one Basketball

I'll make up a proper bracket and post it tomorrow, but let me put forth a list of assumptions we will make for the sake of this tournament.

1. Everyone knows the rules of basketball.
2. The fitness of each man is determined by the time during his presidency.
3. The ref is from Switzerland.

And so, no longer will you have to ponder whether Abe Lincoln was master of the dribble, or if George Washington was makin' buckets, or if James Buchanan could play with balls.

(Presidents will be seeded by their position in C-Span's latest presidential ranking list.)