PST2 Round 1

NOTE: I realized President Obama is not included in the C-SPAN Survey, so I seeded him 22, in the middle of the pack, and shifted everyone else down. Why 22, you ask? Because I darn well said so. Also because I didn't want to put him last and have butthurt people/people going DAMN STRAIGHT.

1 Abraham Lincoln (6'4'', 52) BYE

2 George Washington (6'2'', 57) 43 James Buchanan (6', 65)
Let's be honest with ourselves here. George Washington is younger, a bit taller, and likely more active. Buchanan doesn't stand a chance against him in basketball, and goes home to cry to his shrine to William Rufus King.

3 Franklin Roosevelt (6'2'', 51) 42 Andrew Johnson (5'10'', 56)
Franklin Roosevelt's in a wheelchair. Haha, easy win for you, eh Johnson?

4 Theodore Roosevelt (5'10, 42) 41 Franklin Pierce (5'10, 48)
Same height, close enough in age. It comes down to who's more of a man. Who can push harder? We all know ol' TR has pushed through harder things than Franklin Pierce. Hell, he'd beat him in basketball while being shot at and charging up a hill.

5 Harry Truman (5'9'', 60) 40 William Harrison (5'8, 68)
Painful game to watch. Truman wins 2-0.

6 John Kennedy (6', 43) 39 Warren Harding (6', 55)
Kennedy doesn't have a leg to stand on in this matchup. BADUM TISH!

7 Thomas Jefferson (6'2.5'', 57) 38 Millard Fillmore (5'9'', 50)
Taller Jefferson blocks Fillmore's attempts at compromise and dominates the game.

8 Dwight Eisenhower (5'10.5'', 62) 37 George W. Bush (5'11.5'', 54)
Very interesting game of basketball. Height difference is negligible, age difference can be discounted because you expect former General Eisenhower to be pretty fit. In the end, I like Ike in this matchup.

9 Woodrow Wilson (5'11, 56) 36 John Tyler (6', 51)
Woodrow Wilson tries to win, but Congress declares Tyler winner in name and fact.

10 Ronald Reagan (6'1, 69) 35 Herbert Hoover (5'11.5'', 54)
Reagan may have the height advantage, but Hoover can't remember the day of the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Reagan soon forgets that he ever played this game.

11 Lyndon Johnson (6'3.5'', 55) 34 Rutherford Hayes (5'8.5'', 54)
Lyndon Johnson's just too tall to be outscored by Hayes. Hayes is proud of himself at first, but then finds out when you have less points, Congress doesn't create a Basketball Commission to determine that you're the winner.

12 James Polk (5'8, 49) 33 Chester Arthur (6'2'', 51)
Arthur's height can't overcome his weight and Polk outmaneuvers him to make buckets. Arthur then takes a nap after his defeat.

13 Andrew Jackson (6'1'', 61) 32 Martin Van Buren (5'6'', 54)
Andrew Jackson is taller AND more badass. Wins and proceeds to beat Van Buren with his cane.

14 James Monroe (6', 58) 31 Benjamin Harrison (5'6'', 55)
Monroe declares that no Gilded Age powers can colonize on his court and easily defeats Harrison.

15 Bill Clinton (6'2'', 46) 30 Zachary Taylor (5'8'', 64)
Clinton's youth and height make this game easy for him. Taylor storms off the court and has cold milk and cherries to cheer up.

16 William McKinley (5'7'', 54) 29 James Garfield (6', 49)
McKinley is assassinated by James Garfield. Charles Guiteau is in the audience with his Bulldog with the ivory handle, but decides not to shoot as it would be too traumatic at this point.

17 John Adams (5'7'', 61) 28 Richard Nixon (5'11.5'', 56)
Nixon scrapes out a win. His staff then proceeds to break into Adams' home.

18 George H.W. Bush (6'2'', 64) 27 Calvin Coolidge (5'10, 51)
Coolidge is a little younger and a little more mobile, scraping out a win over the PST1 winner. He has no comment on his victory.

19 John Quincy Adams (5'7.5'', 57) 26 Jimmy Carter (5'9.5'', 52)
John Quincy Adams wins by throwing a swamp rabbit at Carter.

20 James Madison (5'4'', 57) 25 William Taft (5'11.5'', 51)
Taft's big, but can't move. "Shorty" Madison has trouble getting the ball into the basket. Eventually he gets a few in and proves that the bigger they are, the harder they fall when you trip them, all in one fell swoop.

21 Grover Cleveland (5'11'', 55) 24 Ulysses Grant (5'8, 46)
Grant's more mobile, but he's also more drunk. Cleveland wins.

22 Barack Obama (6'1, 47) 23 Gerald Ford (6', 61)
Obama wins. I'm trying so hard not to say it's because he's black though.






Round 2 tomorrow.