Making a Pig Fly

There are two major methods of making a pig fly.

The first is messing with genetics. This is very complex.

You take a bunch of genes out of a pig and put them into a bacteria, and you get a nice strand of DNA with all the pig stuff you want in the bacteria. Then you extract it from the bacteria and put it into a standard housefly population. Allow reproduction.

Some individuals should retain the pig DNA. You now have pig flies.

The second method is much more fun.

Take two pieces of wood and fashion them into wings. Use a method of your choice to attach these wings to the pig's back.

Next, secure rockets. The bigger, the better. Point them away from the pig's head and attach as appropriate.

Give the pig a running start for best results, then have the rockets go off. Make sure there's some upward thrust, but then the wings should take care of the rest.

If all goes well, the pig should now be flying.

PST2 Round 4 and 5 and Closing Cerimonies

ROUND 4
1 Abraham Lincoln (6'4'', 52) 22 Barack Obama (6'1'', 47)
Abraham Lincoln worked to free the blacks, and it comes back to bite him as Barack makes some buckets and defeats Lincoln. Lincoln continues to be racist.

4 Theodore Roosevelt (5'10'', 42) 13 Andrew Jackson (6'1'', 61)
What Roosevelt lacks in height, he makes up for in youth. He speaks softly, but carries big game over Jackson.

7 Thomas Jefferson (6'2.5'', 57) 11 Lyndon Johnson (6'3.5'', 55)
Landslide Lyndon squeaks by. I have no witty way to relate this to him stealing his Senate race without being blatant or completely unfunny.

ROUND 5
Each of the remaining three will play both of the other two.
22 Barack Obama (6'1'', 47) 4 Theodore Roosevelt (5'10'', 42)
Theodore Roosevelt is as strong as a Bull Moose, and he puts so much effort into the game that Obama loses, barely.

11 Lyndon Johnson (6'3.5'', 55) 22 Barack Obama (6'1'', 47)
Lyndon Johnson may have the height advantage, but Barack is just better at moving himself around the court. Barack wins easily.

4 Theodore Roosevelt (5'10'', 42) 11 Lyndon Johnson (6'3.5'', 55)
Again, Johnson finds he cannot keep up with his opponent and is soundly defeated by Theodore Roosevelt.


As TR is 2-0, Obama 1-1, and LBJ 0-2, Theodore Roosevelt is declared the official Presidential Super Tournament 2 victor, with Barack Obama as runner up.

Congrats, TR!

PST2 Round 3

I have received my first ultimatum for who "has to" win. Also, I gave the bye in this round to whoever was the sixth matchup because I didn't want to give it to Lincoln again.

1 Abraham Lincoln (6'4'', 52) 35 Herbert Hoover (5'11.5'', 54)
Lincoln absolutely dominates this game with his height. Hoover then finds himself in a state of great depression.

2 George Washington (6'2'', 57) 22 Barack Obama (6'1'', 47)
Obama outmaneuvers Washington or "jukes" him as those hoodlum children say in the ghetto.

4 Theodore Roosevelt (5'10'', 42) 15 Bill Clinton (6'2'', 46)
Bill Clinton has stronger defense and Theodore Roosevelt has stronger offense. In the end, TR pulls out a win as Bill becomes distracted by a pack of interns walking by.

7 Thomas Jefferson (6'2.5'', 57) 14 James Monroe (6', 58)
I declare these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, except when Thomas Jefferson is 2.5 inches taller and a year younger and can defeat James Monroe in basketball.

8 Dwight Eisenhower (5'10.5'', 62) 13 Andrew Jackson (6'1'', 61)
War of 1812 vs. WWII generals. Eisenhower's a bit more easygoing, and loses to the hardcore Jackson. Eisenhower prefers golf anyway.

11 Lyndon Johnson (6'3.5'', 55) BYE
Shame such height couldn't play this round.


Round 4 tomorrow.

PST 2 Round 2

1 Abraham Lincoln (6'4'', 52) 42 Andrew Johnson (5'10'', 56)
Abraham Lincoln submits the final vote to impeach Johnson and remove him from this tournament, as he stuffs him shot after shot with his vast height advantage.

2 George Washington (6'2'', 57) 39 Warren Harding (6', 55)
The game is tight until technical fouls go against Harding due to the Ohio Gang's illicit activity on the sidelines. Washington pulls away and wins it.

4 Theodore Roosevelt (5'10'', 42) 36 John Tyler (6', 51)
John Tyler is largely ineffective, and Theodore Roosevelt takes over his territory, pulling away with an easy win.

5 Harry Truman (5'9'', 60) 35 Herbert Hoover (5'11.5'', 54)
Truman finds himself helpless in this game without any atomic bombs to drop.

7 Thomas Jefferson (6'2.5'', 57) 29 James Garfield (6', 49)
As Garfield walks through the entrance, Charles Guiteau pops out behind him and shoots him twice. Garfield is declared unable to play and Jefferson wins by default.

8 Dwight Eisenhower (5'10.5'', 62) 28 Richard Nixon (5'11.5'', 56)
Eisenhower leads 12-4 after 4 minutes, and Nixon resigns.

11 Lyndon Johnson (6'3.5'', 55) 27 Calvin Coolidge (5'10'', 51)
Lyndon Johnson dominates with his height advantage over Coolidge. Cal is left without a word to say.

12 James Polk (5'8'', 49) 22 Barack Obama (6'1'', 47)
The audience shouts "54-40 or fight!" for Polk. Why they wanted this exact score is unclear. However, their shout doesn't reflect Polk's views, who doesn't want a fight, and loses, 49-40.

13 Andrew Jackson (6'1'', 61) 21 Grover Cleveland (5'11'', 55)
Ol' Grover just doesn't have the military experience to keep up with Jackson's flanking and frontal assault and the pistol pointing didn't hurt Jackson's game either.

14 James Monroe (6', 58) 20 James Madison (5'4'', 57)
Madison was so small he couldn't get a single shot in over Monroe. He attempts to write an amendment to the Constitution making people over 5'11'' illegal, but the states don't approve it.

15 Bill Clinton (6'2'', 46) 19 John Quincy Adams (5'7.5'', 57)
Well, Bill Clinton is taller and younger. Also, he's said to be the "First Black President" so he must be good at basketball.

And he drinks some Kool-Aid in the breaks too.




Round 3 tomorrow.

PST2 Round 1

NOTE: I realized President Obama is not included in the C-SPAN Survey, so I seeded him 22, in the middle of the pack, and shifted everyone else down. Why 22, you ask? Because I darn well said so. Also because I didn't want to put him last and have butthurt people/people going DAMN STRAIGHT.

1 Abraham Lincoln (6'4'', 52) BYE

2 George Washington (6'2'', 57) 43 James Buchanan (6', 65)
Let's be honest with ourselves here. George Washington is younger, a bit taller, and likely more active. Buchanan doesn't stand a chance against him in basketball, and goes home to cry to his shrine to William Rufus King.

3 Franklin Roosevelt (6'2'', 51) 42 Andrew Johnson (5'10'', 56)
Franklin Roosevelt's in a wheelchair. Haha, easy win for you, eh Johnson?

4 Theodore Roosevelt (5'10, 42) 41 Franklin Pierce (5'10, 48)
Same height, close enough in age. It comes down to who's more of a man. Who can push harder? We all know ol' TR has pushed through harder things than Franklin Pierce. Hell, he'd beat him in basketball while being shot at and charging up a hill.

5 Harry Truman (5'9'', 60) 40 William Harrison (5'8, 68)
Painful game to watch. Truman wins 2-0.

6 John Kennedy (6', 43) 39 Warren Harding (6', 55)
Kennedy doesn't have a leg to stand on in this matchup. BADUM TISH!

7 Thomas Jefferson (6'2.5'', 57) 38 Millard Fillmore (5'9'', 50)
Taller Jefferson blocks Fillmore's attempts at compromise and dominates the game.

8 Dwight Eisenhower (5'10.5'', 62) 37 George W. Bush (5'11.5'', 54)
Very interesting game of basketball. Height difference is negligible, age difference can be discounted because you expect former General Eisenhower to be pretty fit. In the end, I like Ike in this matchup.

9 Woodrow Wilson (5'11, 56) 36 John Tyler (6', 51)
Woodrow Wilson tries to win, but Congress declares Tyler winner in name and fact.

10 Ronald Reagan (6'1, 69) 35 Herbert Hoover (5'11.5'', 54)
Reagan may have the height advantage, but Hoover can't remember the day of the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Reagan soon forgets that he ever played this game.

11 Lyndon Johnson (6'3.5'', 55) 34 Rutherford Hayes (5'8.5'', 54)
Lyndon Johnson's just too tall to be outscored by Hayes. Hayes is proud of himself at first, but then finds out when you have less points, Congress doesn't create a Basketball Commission to determine that you're the winner.

12 James Polk (5'8, 49) 33 Chester Arthur (6'2'', 51)
Arthur's height can't overcome his weight and Polk outmaneuvers him to make buckets. Arthur then takes a nap after his defeat.

13 Andrew Jackson (6'1'', 61) 32 Martin Van Buren (5'6'', 54)
Andrew Jackson is taller AND more badass. Wins and proceeds to beat Van Buren with his cane.

14 James Monroe (6', 58) 31 Benjamin Harrison (5'6'', 55)
Monroe declares that no Gilded Age powers can colonize on his court and easily defeats Harrison.

15 Bill Clinton (6'2'', 46) 30 Zachary Taylor (5'8'', 64)
Clinton's youth and height make this game easy for him. Taylor storms off the court and has cold milk and cherries to cheer up.

16 William McKinley (5'7'', 54) 29 James Garfield (6', 49)
McKinley is assassinated by James Garfield. Charles Guiteau is in the audience with his Bulldog with the ivory handle, but decides not to shoot as it would be too traumatic at this point.

17 John Adams (5'7'', 61) 28 Richard Nixon (5'11.5'', 56)
Nixon scrapes out a win. His staff then proceeds to break into Adams' home.

18 George H.W. Bush (6'2'', 64) 27 Calvin Coolidge (5'10, 51)
Coolidge is a little younger and a little more mobile, scraping out a win over the PST1 winner. He has no comment on his victory.

19 John Quincy Adams (5'7.5'', 57) 26 Jimmy Carter (5'9.5'', 52)
John Quincy Adams wins by throwing a swamp rabbit at Carter.

20 James Madison (5'4'', 57) 25 William Taft (5'11.5'', 51)
Taft's big, but can't move. "Shorty" Madison has trouble getting the ball into the basket. Eventually he gets a few in and proves that the bigger they are, the harder they fall when you trip them, all in one fell swoop.

21 Grover Cleveland (5'11'', 55) 24 Ulysses Grant (5'8, 46)
Grant's more mobile, but he's also more drunk. Cleveland wins.

22 Barack Obama (6'1, 47) 23 Gerald Ford (6', 61)
Obama wins. I'm trying so hard not to say it's because he's black though.






Round 2 tomorrow.

PST2 Matchups

Well, I'll be completely honest with you.

I couldn't figure out how to do a 43-man bracket.

Laugh all you want. Yes, yes.

However, I still have a fair way to make matches for this. The seeding will still be determined by C-SPAN's 2009 Presidential Rankings. The highest seeds will always play the lowest seeds.

Let the one-on-one basketball begin tomorrow.

Abraham Lincoln gets a first-round bye, for being top seed.

The Seasons

With the rapidly approaching vernal equinox, I thought I'd get into the spirit of the season and talk about seasons.

But is spring actually approaching?

What we call spring should not be defined as such. Think for a moment of the Earth as it travels around the Sun. Spring and fall each begin with an equinox, when the Sun is directly over a point of the Equator. Summer and winter each begin with a solstice, when the Sun is furthest from the Equator.

But these definitions are stupid. We say that the three months after each of these events is a season.

It makes far more sense to define the seasons as 1.5 months on either side of the celestial event. The vernal equinox should occur IN THE MIDDLE of spring, not at the beginning!

Think I'm crazy? Consider summer and winter. These are supposed to be the times of most extreme weather, hot and cold. However, the days theoretically hottest and coldest (with all other variables removed) would be the solstices and the days surrounding them. Why do we call the days leading up to the summer solstice spring, when they're part of those hottest days?

So maybe for you, spring begins tomorrow afternoon. But for me, it began over a month ago.

March Madness: PST2

At one point or another, we've all found ourselves pondering the United States Presidents and thinking "Who would win in a one-on-one basketball tournament?"

Well, boy, do I have some good news for you.

I'm going to answer that question for you over the next weeks in...

PRESIDENTIAL SUPER TOURNAMENT 2:
One-on-one Basketball

I'll make up a proper bracket and post it tomorrow, but let me put forth a list of assumptions we will make for the sake of this tournament.

1. Everyone knows the rules of basketball.
2. The fitness of each man is determined by the time during his presidency.
3. The ref is from Switzerland.

And so, no longer will you have to ponder whether Abe Lincoln was master of the dribble, or if George Washington was makin' buckets, or if James Buchanan could play with balls.

(Presidents will be seeded by their position in C-Span's latest presidential ranking list.)

Who was the best president of the Gilded Age?

Recently, I put on a test about the Gilded Age the following essay question:
"Who was the best president of the Gilded Age? Why?"

I got answers of Grant, Garfield, Arthur, Cleveland, and Harrison. Sorry, Rutherford B. Hayes. Nobody loves you, apparently.

To be fair, about half of the people who said Arthur only said so because "He's Jay's favorite president and Jay is smart and Jay wouldn't like a bad president."

To this essay, I commented something along the lines of thinking that Cleveland is the best president of the Gilded Age and that Arthur is indeed my favorite, but not the greatest.

Why is Cleveland the best president of the era? In short, because he made good moves regardless of political gain. No one else really seemed very successful at this, except maybe Arthur. But Cleveland had something that Arthur lacked, and that's people who'd renominate him.

Starting in the election, Cleveland knew how to handle himself. The election of 1884 was one of the greatest mud-slinging festivals in history. "Ma, ma, where's my Pa?" yelled Republicans. Cleveland had a bastard child. And so, he stood up and admitted what he had done. The people seem to have forgiven him, as he defeated James G. Blaine of Maine.

In his first term, Cleveland found a surplus. Can you believe that? A national surplus. No debt of trillions of dollars. No debt at all. Negative debt, in fact! But, along the lines of Hamiltonian thinking, Cleveland was embarrassed by this extra money lying around and wanted to get rid of it. (This wasn't immediately accomplished, but the Billion Dollar Congress during Harrison's term sure lost the money.)

In the same term, he also took a firm stand on the place of government in people's lives. There was a drought in Texas and Cleveland vetoed a bill to give Texan farmers seeds. "Though the people should support the government, the government should not support the people." This statement can't be a popular thing to say, but Ol' Grover takes a stand against the strong Congress and wins this round.

Like many other presidents of the era, Cleveland attempted to lower the tariff rates. But Congress wasn't losing this round. As happened to other presidents, Congress starts with a nice low tariff bill and then tacks on more and more until it's basically the exact opposite of what Cleveland wanted. Congress does win this round.

However, as I said, Cleveland is not the only president this happened to. Harrison would soon sign the McKinley Tariff, the highest in our nation's history. Arthur attempted to lower rates, but Congress would only almost negligibly lower them.

Cleveland also made a very important move for decreasing sectionalism in politics. His cabinet had two former Confederates in it. It may seem to you that "Well it was 20 years since the Civil War, obviously no one cares anymore about former Confederates." Well, that's not really true. It had only been 8 years since Reconstruction had ended, and Jim Crow laws ran rampant in the South, along with grandfather clauses and literacy tests, anything to keep down the blacks almost as they had been pre-Civil War. The South and North were vastly different and were voting vastly differently. Cleveland began to soothe the tension.

Speaking of the Civil War, veterans really really wanted nice pensions. Congress and the presidents were generally satisfied to give these men such pensions. But Cleveland was the first president since Andrew Johnson to not be a Civil War veteran himself and had no problem vetoing bills for these pensions.

Of course, Cleveland lost to Benjamin Harrison in 1888. But he still won the popular vote, and came back to win the election of 1892.

In his second term, Cleveland no longer had to worry about an embarrassing surplus. Instead, he could take solace in the Panic of 1893. As always, overspeculation is the main cause of this depression. But a greater problem arose during this depression for Cleveland.

People were exchanging their old greenbacks for gold currency. The banks were required by law to give away the gold. The Treasury's gold reserve kept shrinking and shrinking. It shrank below the "safe" level of $100 million.

Cleveland makes the most unpopular and most necessary move of either of his terms. He goes to rich man J.P. Morgan and buys $65 million worth of gold from him. People think the government has sold out, but Cleveland quite possibly saved the United States economy.

In conclusion, Cleveland is clearly the greatest president of the Gilded Age. He's not top 10 overall material, but for the time he was in, he did a phenomenal job. He wasn't afraid of making unpopular moves that he felt were right, and he avoided scandals and corruption. If he were to run for president today, I'd seriously consider him as worthy of my vote.

Science Jokes

DISCLAIMER: I'm not original and yes, I did copy and paste these.

Two atoms were walking down the street. One turns to the other and says,
"Oh, no! I think I'm an ion!"
The other responds, "Are you sure?!?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"



Q: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?
A: Pull down its genes.



When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.



You enter the laboratory and see an experiment.
How will you know which class is it?
If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Song Review: "Washy Ad Jeffy"

Link to the song

Downloadable legally AND free on Jonathan Coulton's website

Lyrics:

Washy Ad Jeffy
Maddy Monroe
Ad Jackson Van Hair
Ty Po Tay Phil Pear
Bu Lincoln John Grant2
Hayes Gar Thur and Cleve
Hair Cleve and McKin
Roosevelt Taft
Wilson Hard Coolidge
Hoov Franklin Roosevelt Truman Ikey
Ken Johnson Nixon Ford Cart Reagan Bush
Clinton Dubya

And maybe you someday
And if you do they’ll say
What a fine president you made

Washy Ad Jeffy
Maddy Monroe
Ad Jackson Van Hair
Ty Po Tay Phil Pear
Bu Lincoln John Grant2
Hayes Gar Thur and Cleve
Hair Cleve and McKin
Roosevelt Taft
Wilson Hard Coolidge
Hoov Franklin Roosevelt Truman Ikey
Ken Johnson Nixon Ford Cart Reagan Bush
Clinton Dubya


First, let me acknowledge that this song lacks Obama. It's old, okay? Deal with it.

This song is meant to be a mnemonic device for remembering not only the presidents, but how many terms they served. (The number of syllables in their name is the number of terms they served. Ex: Dub-ya = 2 terms)

As a mnemonic, it fails.

It's easier to just go in and learn the information straight up. Honestly, I knew it ahead of time and had more trouble recalling the lyrics to the song even though I listened to it time and time again, back to back some of these times.

Musically, though, the light guitar and vocals are appealing.

If examined solely as a song, it's decent. If examined as a learning tool, don't bother with it.

High five!

A recent study on the language of touch in human interactions suggests that touch can express emotion more fully and more quickly than other forms of non-verbal communication.

It is important to note with this the universality of some non-verbal cues. An obvious example is punching someone in the face. This generally indicates anger. Generally. Certain facial expressions, such as smiling, are biologically programmed to correlate to emotions, not learned from our environment.

Over time, numerous studies have been run on the science of positive touch and performance in humans. It's been shown to make students volunteer more in their classes, to improve performance in the NBA, and prevent diarrhea.

Okay, I made that last one up. But I really wish I hadn't.

But the most interesting point is what a caring touch does chemically inside of our bodies. Something like a high five raises levels of oxytocin and lowers levels of cortisol. Oxytocin brings trust, while cortisol brings stress.

So are you feeling stressed? Go out and get yourself a high five.